“What is written without effort is in general read without pleasure.” – Samuel Johnson
Posts tagged Life
“I keep practicing saying goodbye to you.”
Jul 28th
I’m better than you. I’m happier than you. I’m more determined than you. I’ve known you for so long but your true character revealed itself to me. You’re a coward. You have no confidence. You have no discipline. You have no work ethic. You don’t take responsibility for your actions. It’s always someone elses fault.
You’re pathetic. You don’t even deserve me to say goodbye to you.
More Late Night Thoughts
Jul 13th
It’s 3:30 a.m. and I’m watching Hitch. I just finished a poker session, which went terrible. I don’t know what’s distracting me. It’s as if the balance I’m so accustomed to is hurting me. My work performance is fine I believe, but my emotions, which have been bottled up for so long are coming out and I can’t plug it back. It’s like the things I’ve worked hard to move forward from are starting to come back and haunt me. I’m looking back at the past and some parts of it, I can find a way to talk about it. Others I have no connection. It’s not just one conflict that I am dealing with.
I feel that I’m falling into this sinkhole and I can’t find footing. It’s this cycle and I just want to smash it. I really do.
Fine isn’t good enough anymore. I must do what I need to do.
Just a quickie
May 4th
I have so many things to say. Some things better left unsaid. Others need to said. It’s a matter of finding the courage to say what needs to be and let go of what doesn’t. I’ve been listening to Airplanes by B.o.B, I could use a wish right now. Until, I say what I need to say, it’ll eat at me.
Release No. 1
Feb 12th
I don’t know what I’m feeling right about now. I should be happy. In fact a lot of me is happy.
But then why do I sit here at 3 a.m.?
The weight is starting to get to me. But I’ll let it out bit by bit.
2010: Welcome and, hopefully, goodbye
Jan 1st
2010: Came Way Too Quick
If you’re looking for some ridiculous retrospective on what happened in 2009 or even in 2010, well the time for that has come and gone. But I’ll give you a few glimpses of it. The year 2009 featured too many things that helped moved things forward in life. I don’t really know how else I could explain it other than losing my grandma, having people tell me tell me “I ain’t ****,” and finding a way to motivate myself to finish projects.
At the bottom of this I’ll post Top 5s of various things, but until then I’ll post what the plan is for 2010. And what I mean by hopefully goodbye is maybe this year will be as quick as 2009.
Poker
In 2010, I want to build this $125 bankroll into something bigger. I know I’ve made this resolution before. The problem: I’ve never had time to actually dedicate. School was always taking my time, and hanging out with my friends took the rest of it. Now, I’m working and have to time to actually play for extended periods. I’ve made $400 from tournament poker in my life since 2007, and somehow I only have $125 of it remaining. Where did it go? Bankroll management is going to be key. That’s the goal in 2010. It’s not winning a crap load of money. It’s being able to maintain a bankroll and work my way up the limits to become a better player.
2010 Poker Goals: Better Bankroll Management, Increase the Bankroll (at least $150), Win One Multi-table tournament.
Projects/Job
I have an epic novel plan , and I want to finish it by March 21. I want to have it published by December, hopefully. As for my job, I’ve contemplated free agency, but I might just go ahead and take another year and become a better writer again. I thought about going to school, but that can wait. The novel has the code name “The 15″ There is also a script in the works, and another possible novel idea.
2010 Projects Goals: Finish Code Name: “The 15,” Finish the Script, Start Novel, Continue improving my career stock.
Jiu Jitsu/Health/Activity
I want to compete in Grappler’s Quest in 2010, but first I need to improve my jiu-jitsu and overall fitness. I’m going to start a cardio routine, going to the gym and training on a regular basis. The challenge is to be healthier, and that includes improving my diet and just be a more active human. At the end of 2010, I rather have a solid routine of activity and eating habits and that is the most important thing.
2010 Health Goals: Compete at Grappler’s Quest, Lost 25-30 pounds. Start moving my diet in the right direction. Start having a routine when it comes to working out and such.
Personal
Those who know me. I want to be a better person. Everyone knows what I mean by that I hope.
2010 Personal Goals: Be a better person
Top 5 Moments of 2009
- Birthday Trip with Nate and Jacqueeeee to L.A.
- UFC 104 Trip with Pete to L.A.
- UFC 100 Expo Weekend in Las Vegas with Pete
- Manning on a certain Tuesday.
- Starting Jiu-Jitsu classes
Top 5 CDs of 2009
- Jay-Z — The Blueprint III
- Kid Cudi — Man on the Moon
- Jay Sean — All or Nothing
- Drake — So Far Gone
- Eminem — Relapse
Top 5 Movies of 2009
- (500) Days of Summer
- Up
- Inglorious Basterds
- District 9
- Paranormal Activity
Top 5 Video Games of 2009
- Call of Duty Modern Warfare 2
- Left for Dead 2
- UFC Undisputed 2009
- Madden 2010
- Fifa 2010
It’s 3:06 a.m.
Dec 4th
And I’m pretty tired, but I just wanted to post a short blog because I can before I pass out.
Today was by far the busiest day I’ve had in a while because of everything that I had to do in a short time span.
Now, here’s what I had to do.
- 11:30 a.m. — Wake up and do a conference call immediately with Roy Nelson, Kimbo Slice, Brenden Schaub and Houston Alexander.
- 1 p.m. — Immediately, after I chatted with Yahoo Sports’ Kevin Iole about Manny Pacquiao and Floyd Mayweather Jr. That was an informative and fun conversation, which should make a fun little column.
- 2 p.m. — Immediately after, go to work to start my page shift AND write the preview capsule for the Dixie State Classic happening today (Friday Dec. 4).
- 3 p.m. — Hold a 10-minute interview Rashad Evans.
- 6:30 p.m. — Finish up page shift before driving 15 miles to cover a girls high school basketball game.
- 7:30 p.m. — Watch said Basketball game
- 10 p.m. — Return to office, write story, edit pages and then go home.
- 12:45 a.m. — Upon arriving at home, I sit down and watch the latest episode of Friday Night Lights, had a guy cry moment. While helping my friend Andi with her soc paper.
And that timeline brings us to now (3:12 a.m.), and I’m freaking tired. Combine that with the fact that I didn’t have the best night of sleep given the text messages and phone calls I was receiving late at night. Either way, I know it sounds like I’m complaining, but I really am not. I just figured, I have nothing else to do at 3:06 a.m. (Now it’s 3:14 a.m.) other than to write my blog.
So there it is, and now it’s 3:15 a.m. and I’m going to bed. I’ll blog again soon.
The Good Life — More Kanye and Life
May 6th
Better than the life I live, when I thought I was gonna go crazy.
Let’s face it. My life is actually good right now. It was discussed at work with a pair of my co-workers, when they asked me this question: “What is my dream job?”
My reply? I’m working it.
Then I followed it up with the fact that I’m driving my dream car, and the only things missing are the dream girl and hobby (Professional Gambler, don’t ask). So it got me thinking, are things really that bad here in the Beehive State?
Plain answer: No.
How many people can say they’re living out the career they dreamed about for the longest time? I’m getting the opportunity to do so. Sure I’d like to be with my friends and family, but I’m enjoying the independence (though I need to learn how to take better care of my environment. I seem to be comfortable in a giant mess.) It didn’t take some life coach to tell me that. Just a casual conversation with my fellow copy desk slaves to make me realize that things aren’t bad right now and that I need to give this thing one more year before I make the switch. It’s a tough decision to really make, but I figured that school is going to be there. I’m in the “fraternity” and I should leave because I don’t see things paying off right now. I have to keep working and improving, and if I don’t see the future like I hope, then I’ll go back, in radiography or whatever I want to do.
But right now, I’m going to take the “Good Life” because it’s better than the life I’ve lived. I’m finding ways to deal with my circumstances and finding new challenges. It’s the end of a five-year cycle, meaning I need to go after it strong and finish this stage of my life with a bang. Regardless, of what happens one year from now.
So the Kanye West song to go with this lesson is: The Good Life. I didn’t expect everything to work out well, but I expected it to be real life. The experiences that I’ve had, I wouldn’t want them gone because they help me be the man I am today.
Though, unlike Kanye, I’m not fighting a war on conventional thinking. I’m just trying to change a few things. That life is only as positive as you make it. Confidence, it’s a scary thing isn’t it?
Amazing — Kanye West + Life
May 3rd
That song is the exact feeling I have and this performance is everything that I’m feeling at the moment. I was put on trial and was convicted. But a full 48-hours after the moment, here’s what I have to say in response is what Kanye said:
That was the moment, they told me ‘I ain’t shit.’ But I am shit. It’s an emancipation. You can’t take that from me — my self esteem. I’ll never let them take (my self-esteem) from me.
They didn’t choose me, well that’s their fault. I am better and I know, so I’ll write a Kanye line that he says during that performance with a few edits to adjust to my situation.
I was a spoiled little (Las Vegas) boy, who got people to sing and clap his praises and he soaked it all up and believed his own hype to the point where he could not lose. And if anyone did not pick him, they couldn’t not choose. As he smooze with the who’s who’s and even lost his cool. That ain’t nothing new. Now they don’t like you. Look at what you’ve done, trying to be No. 1 boy.”
Amazing is superhero music and it’s pain that is hardcore. I love this song because it gets my spirits up even after people try to cut me down.
Seeking answers
Mar 29th
Not sure what to do
At this point, I really have no other option that to type out everything on my mind. I’m in a room full of people and, somehow, I’m blocking out everything around me and it’s just me and the keyboard.
I have no freakin’ idea what I’m going to do. Stay, go, stay and go, seek something new. Too many damn options that I have no right to complain about, but it’s not fear, but having to disappoint someone that I don’t want to disappoint. Am I really ready for a two-year commitment to my job, or am I needing so badly to return home and gamble. All of it just to pursue a career in radiography. I know I want to do it, but really, I’m frustrated to the point where I don’t want to just want to think about it anymore.
In the end, what should I is the question I ask myself everyday and I have less than one month to make that decision. I just want to get to school already. I want to start going back and, more importantly, I want to to just to know what I’m going to do. Is it risky that I’m going back to school? Of course, but what isn’t at this point? I’m ready to come back and just do everything I can to ensure that I am going to become something great. I have a connection into the industry of radiography and I’m glad that my time in Circle K wasn’t wasted. Hopefully things pan out and I become a radiographer.
If not, there is another option that has come along in recent times and that’s to seek an MBA in Sports Management. What the hell do people with MBA’s in sports management do? Well, they can represent athletes. They market sports-related products. Anything in the sports world that is business related, I can take care of it. Too options are great, but too many to the point where you don’t know what you want to do is almost mortifying. I just need to know what to do, because I want to do so much in my life and I just wish I had enough lives to do them all. I became a sports journalist, did most of the things I wanted to do, but in the end, I’m just not having fun anymore. I feel like I’m in a rut a mere one-year after I secured a job. Is that so wrong? Or is it the fact that I’ve been relegated to designing pages, writing gamers and doing one or two profiles from time to time. The enterprise stories I want to do have no leads or ends. They’re just there, with no sense of importance to write. They’re not screaming to me to write them.
Even after I finish writing this, the decision making process will remain. The room full of people still annoy the shit out of me and I just want to answer the questions in my head. The worst thing of this all — in the end, it’s still so lonely.
2008 – When ‘Fluid Motion’ turned into ice
Jan 6th
In the thing known as life, we all have choices. It's a matter of where you want to go.
2008 was an interesting year. So much happened. Love, lost, new happenings, new surroundings. It was just one of those years, where I have to look at it and say, “Damn. Where am I going?”
As I write this, I’ve had a good couple of days to reflect on the year that was. I can’t believe it though, how the year started and how it ended.
JANUARY
The way it started with me taking a dumb risk for a girl – who I will call Roxanne (for this post’s purpose) - I claimed to have loved. The month before was the probably the best time for both of us, because we both were growing up. Maybe I did, but the thing is, dumb risk are part of my personality. I’ll take dumb risk if it means something that hopefully will payoff in the end. It was in January that I promised myself that I was going to start moving forward, regardless of what it took. It started to hurt each day it passed. Looking back on it, I wanted nothing more than to make her happy, and I failed miserably. That’s when the phrase: “Fluid Motion” was coined, vowing to make decisions with fluidity and go with the flow.
February
Late in this month, around February, I got offered a job in Cedar City, the first and technically the only job I applied for. I didn’t hesistate accepting the job, and I accepted it while riding with Nathan and Leandrei to Utah to grab my offer letter. I started counting down the days before I ultimately had to leave Las Vegas.
March
I left Vegas on March 17 – two days after UNLV secured its second straight NCAA tournament berth. The whole week leading up to it was a whirlwind. Goodbye parties, moving my stuff up to Cedar City. It was hectic. I started working for the Spectrum & Daily News and have been there ever since.
April
Nothing really happend, other than Chris turning 21. That was epic.
May-June-July-August
This is when things got interesting because I met someone, who restored a lot of confidence in myself, and helped me move forward past Roxanne the farthest. While, I didn’t end up with my summer crush, it helped me completely say, I’m over it and I want to move foward. While, some feelings linger for Roxanne, I can’t help but thank girl who helped me in the summer. I got my confidence, and swagger what ever little. I wrote her a story, something I don’t regret. In the end, she was what I needed, defining the year for what it’s worth – no hesistation, just doing what I do best.
Also, I said some things to Roxanne, that maybe I shouldn’t have, but it was how I felt and I can’t say I’m sorry because I did mean the things I said, but the manner in which I said it was the bad part. I could apologize for hours on end, but it won’t do any good. I rather forget it and act like nothing happened.
September
I turned 23.
October
Worked. A lot.
November
Still working. Saw friends for Thanksgiving.
December
I spent three out of the four weeks in Vegas. I had too much fun and memories, but it’s what drew me to write this long blog. I got to look back on what happened this year. I found out that Roxanne has a boyfriend, a friend of mine and if there was one guy in the world I rather see her with, it’s him and it’s one of those things where mixed emotions but I’m happy for her.
As for the girl in the Summer, some things are better left unsaid for now. We have 2009 to look forward to become better friends than what we are now. I wish I talked to Roxanne more, but time will help us get back to that path.
2009 – What it brings
Fluid Motion froze over in December as the temperature dropped. I wasn’t doing the things that were making me happy. For some reason, I was in a funk and I didn’t know why. 2009 hopefully will bring me hope. I want to become a better dancer. Rebuild my friendships with people, specifically the ones I want back. This year, I’m making a promise to do something I’ve never done before. I don’t know what that is. Have I grown as a human being in 2008? Yes, but I still have a lot more growing to do.